How to Set Healthy Boundaries

This has been one of the most challenging lessons I have learned over my 53 years… how to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES! And to be totally honest… I am still working on it!

If you struggle with people-pleasing, getting caught up in other people’s drama, or having a hard time limiting your exposure to toxic behaviour from ANYONE - colleagues, friends or family - perhaps this will give you some strength and tools to be able to make new, ultimately HEALTHIER decisions for yourself that will have a profoundly positive impact on YOU and those around you who actually DO want what’s best for you!

Let’s start with what you might be experiencing as signs that you need to set healthier boundaries:

1. You feel that it’s your responsibility to help make others feel better

2. You feel guilty when and IF you take personal time - you have a belief that you should ALWAYS be available to anyone who “needs” you

3. Regardless of the valid reasons why you cannot help someone - you feel terribly guilty, like you’ve done something wrong

4. You are nervous to speak up for yourself and let your personal needs and desires be known

5. A great percentage of your time is spent listening on the phone, in the office, in person - to others who are constantly venting to you - as you’re the sounding board for all - with no support returned. This leaves you feel taken advantage of

“Shining neon lights” that a relationship is in need of some healthier boundary setting, include:

1. Your behaviour around this person is not in line with your personal values

2. This person can’t accept you for you and is constantly trying to change you

3. Even when you have attempted to set boundaries, they don’t pay attention to them and treat you as if you haven’t set any at all

4. This person cannot be happy for your happy moments

5. You’re afraid to disagree with even the most basic things with this person because they will “lose it” on you and lash out at you

6. This person will manipulate you emotionally disguising their behaviour and saying they care about you

Have you experienced any of the above? I certainly have!

It’s EASY for people to rally around you and support you when you are going through a challenging time… BUT… the measure of a healthy relationship with someone is that they want what’s best for you and they celebrate your wins with you - they aren’t resentful, minimizing or belittling.

When you do decide to set a boundary - be clear and direct and let the person know by using the word “boundary.” Then DO NOT WAIVER or be talked back into the relationship with false promises. They will be upset and challenge you but just remember the only people who will take issue with you setting boundaries are the people who cannot respect them.

Last year I had a few toxic relationships in a few different areas of my life. I could feel my self esteem slipping, my self respect declining and the unhealthy relationships I was entrenched in almost daily, were taking a toll on my stress levels and were causing me signs of physical illness.

I remembered my beautiful mom, who had a hard time setting boundaries and passed away at 53 of cancer, I realized that my life quite literally depended upon healthy relationships and healthy boundaries.

A NEW me was born!

The big epiphany came last year when one of my trusted business mentors said to me, in response to my asking for coaching on how to manage a challenging business colleague, and she replied with the adage, “We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to accept.” That sunk in DEEP! I realized I had enabled this poor behaviour and if it was to change it was up to me to create boundaries!

Trust me when I tell you this will be difficult and you will feel sick about it… BUT only at first as you transition into new behaviour. You will feel 1000% BETTER on the other side of it - with your dignity and self respect in tact when you prioritize HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS!

One of my fave quotes is.. “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships” ~ Tony Robbins.

What do you ultimately want the quality of your LIFE to be? Do the hard work of “editing out” the toxic people. You can still LOVE THEM where they are… and not have them in your day-to-day life. I literally put all the people I have created a safe and healthy boundary around in a heart on my affirmations page daily and write “I bless and release you. I send you love and wish you well.”

Let me know if you try this? I promise you your life AND your health will improve immensely.

Thank you for being here.

Never forget one person can make a difference…. That one person is YOU.

With so much love,

Your friend,

Kim xo

How to make 2018 Different…LEAP!

As I write this blog post, it’s almost 1:00am, I am finishing up editing a short video for a 30-day healthy reboot/detox program I’m running, and I should be in bed (to get my 8 hours beauty sleep LOL).

But here I am writing a blog post that I have to get out!!!

We are almost finished the first month of a new year and I am filled with determination, reflection and excitement for all that this new year has to offer. Crazy isn’t it, that we are the only creatures on Earth that treat days, months and years with so much significance, while all the other animals just go about their habitual behaviour with little regard for whether it’s Monday, Friday or January for that matter? But isn’t that (one of) the most AWESOME parts of being HUMAN – our capacity for reflection, growth and change.

And what better time to create change than the beginning of a new year!!!

I am ramping up to create the very BEST year of my life (so far). I’ve had some really really really rough years (who hasn’t), and I’ve had some really really really awesome years. I am in full swing towards making this year ALL that I desire. Accomplishing this involves not only raising my game to be BETTER, but also recognizing what I have accomplished in the past because that serves as a reminder that I truly CAN do anything I set my mind to…and so can YOU…so can ANYONE in fact!!!

What I’ve learned from a combination of; writing and publishing 3 books securing an endorsement from Celine Dion; creating a grassroots movement with a YouTube video that went viral and has garnered almost 4MILLION views; writing 4 songs (and recording ONE professionally); creating a soulful amazing marriage; raising 3 AWESOME, confident, strong teenaged girls; AND starting a health and wellness business in the network marketing industry part-time, alongside my full-time job that allowed me to replace a full-time income in under three years…is that (drum roll please) you’ve got to LEAP!!!

What exactly do I mean by that. Let’s break it down…L-E-A-P:

LEARN

You’ve got to learn from what you HAVE accomplished as well as from the goals you missed. Each misstep has just as much to teach you as each WIN does. You have to be honest on both ends so that you can quickly figure out where the gap is between where you are and where you want to be – between what IS working and what is NOT.

This “learning” piece isn’t going to last for JUST the month of January, or ONLY the first quarter of the year. Heck it won’t even end when you finally achieve all your goals. LEARNING is an ongoing component of getting to where you want to be in life.  Because your goals will constantly be growing and changing, your learning will have to keep up. Think of it like bathing – you don’t do it ONCE and call yourself clean for the rest of your life, it’s a daily practice (I paraphrase from the motivational speaker Zig Ziglar).

ENVISION

I love this word because I love the power of it’s meaning to create MASSIVE change in your life. Here is the dictionary definition:

verb (used with object)

1. to picture mentally, especially some future event or events:

to envision a bright future.

And that is exactly what you have to do to get yourself to an entirely NEW place in life – you must SEE IT as IF you already have it. You must see yourself living the way you dream of, FEELING the way you will feel when you achieve that goal. Take a moment, every day, to ENVISION your dreams ACCOMPLISHED with FEELING and gratitude and joy and excitement. The more you can attach positive feelings and good VIBRATIONS to the realization of your dreams the better chance you have to accomplish them.

Successful athletes, including the most decorated Olympian in history with 22 medals, swimmer Michael Phelps, stays ahead of the competition by using visualization and mental preparation techniques that allowed him to see the outcome he wanted – over and over again – before it actually happened.

Using positive affirmations, paired with envisioning is a powerful tool in achieving what you want.

ACTION

It’s not enough just to learn and fill your mind with information, or just to visualize and say positive affirmations WITHOUT the crucial step of getting into ACTION!

Action = Motion!!!

Without motion – nothing moves – nothing happens. Many people miss this crucial step and it is THE single greatest tool to get you going and turn your GOALS and DREAMS into reality.

Figure out your ACTION – what it is you need to do (if you’re writing a book – you need to WRITE, making a product – you need to MAKE IT, building a team – you need to connect with people) and take steps EVERY SINGLE DAY that will get you closer to your desired outcome. Which leads to the next point which is…

PLAN

In order to take the necessary ACTION, you must make a plan and then FOLLOW the PLAN. The best way to do this is to determine WHAT you need to do, HOW much time you need to do it, and WHEN you want to get it all done by. Then break that down into your day by scheduling time in your calendar daily as a NON-NEGOTIABLE, to take at least 3 steps each day towards pushing your goals ahead!

I’m sure you’ve heard the famous saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Doing all the steps above and leaving out the planning part, will inhibit you from actually achieving your goals. We are easily distracted, we procrastinate and can even lose sight of our vision if we don’t have a plan and we haven’t actually scheduled TIME to make it happen. When we sit down to work on our goals, without a plan, we can be AIMLESS and just spin our wheel sin circles, without making progress.

Be aware too, that in setting your plan, with limited time, you WILL need to give up certain things that are not going to help you get to where you want to be. For example, if you work full time, have a young family, and you are attempting to write a book, you will need to have at least 2-3 hours a day scheduled into you calendar that is non-negotiable time to DO the work that needs to be done (in this case writing). You may need to get up earlier than usual and repurpose what used to be downtime (give up TV time – this will buy you HOURS each week)?

I write out my schedule and my “What I AM ACCOMPLISHING TODAY” list (I like the INTENTION of this wording better than a “To DO” list) – THE NIGHT BEFORE, so that when I wake up in the morning, I know exactly what needs to be done and I can check it off as I accomplish it!

This four part strategy LEAP is simple and has been the key to achieving so many things already, and so many more things to come.

Borrow this strategy for YOUR own goals this year and keep me updated as to how it goes!

You’ve GOT THIS BABY!!! THIS IS YOUR YEAR!!!

GO make a difference and create the most amazing life of your dreams!!!

Always remember ONE person can make a difference, that one person is YOU!

With love,

Kim xo