How to Set Healthy Boundaries
This has been one of the most challenging lessons I have learned over my 53 years… how to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES! And to be totally honest… I am still working on it!
If you struggle with people-pleasing, getting caught up in other people’s drama, or having a hard time limiting your exposure to toxic behaviour from ANYONE - colleagues, friends or family - perhaps this will give you some strength and tools to be able to make new, ultimately HEALTHIER decisions for yourself that will have a profoundly positive impact on YOU and those around you who actually DO want what’s best for you!
Let’s start with what you might be experiencing as signs that you need to set healthier boundaries:
You feel that it’s your responsibility to help make others feel better
You feel guilty when and IF you take personal time - you have a belief that you should ALWAYS be available to anyone who “needs” you
Regardless of the valid reasons why you cannot help someone - you feel terribly guilty, like you’ve done something wrong
You are nervous to speak up for yourself and let your personal needs and desires be known
A great percentage of your time is spent listening on the phone, in the office, in person - to others who are constantly venting to you - as you’re the sounding board for all - with no support returned. This leaves you feel taken advantage of
“Shining neon lights” that a relationship is in need of some healthier boundary setting, include:
Your behaviour around this person is not in line with your personal values
This person can’t accept you for you and is constantly trying to change you
Even when you have attempted to set boundaries, they don’t pay attention to them and treat you as if you haven’t set any at all
This person cannot be happy for your happy moments
You’re afraid to disagree with even the most basic things with this person because they will “lose it” on you and lash out at you
This person will manipulate you emotionally disguising their behaviour and saying they care about you
Have you experienced any of the above? I certainly have!
It’s EASY for people to rally around you and support you when you are going through a challenging time… BUT… the measure of a healthy relationship with someone is that they want what’s best for you and they celebrate your wins with you - they aren’t resentful, minimizing or belittling.
When you do decide to set a boundary - be clear and direct and let the person know by using the word “boundary.” Then DO NOT WAIVER or be talked back into the relationship with false promises. They will be upset and challenge you but just remember the only people who will take issue with you setting boundaries are the people who cannot respect them.
Last year I had a few toxic relationships in a few different areas of my life. I could feel my self esteem slipping, my self respect declining and the unhealthy relationships I was entrenched in almost daily, were taking a toll on my stress levels and were causing me signs of physical illness.
I remembered my beautiful mom, who had a hard time setting boundaries and passed away at 53 of cancer, I realized that my life quite literally depended upon healthy relationships and healthy boundaries.
A NEW me was born!
The big epiphany came last year when one of my trusted business mentors said to me, in response to my asking for coaching on how to manage a challenging business colleague, and she replied with the adage, “We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to accept.” That sunk in DEEP! I realized I had enabled this poor behaviour and if it was to change it was up to me to create boundaries!
Trust me when I tell you this will be difficult and you will feel sick about it… BUT only at first as you transition into new behaviour. You will feel 1000% BETTER on the other side of it - with your dignity and self respect in tact when you prioritize HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS!
One of my fave quotes is.. “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships” ~ Tony Robbins.
What do you ultimately want the quality of your LIFE to be? Do the hard work of “editing out” the toxic people. You can still LOVE THEM where they are… and not have them in your day-to-day life. I literally put all the people I have created a safe and healthy boundary around in a heart on my affirmations page daily and write “I bless and release you. I send you love and wish you well.”
Let me know if you try this? I promise you your life AND your health will improve immensely.
Thank you for being here.
Never forget one person can make a difference…. That one person is YOU.
With so much love,
Your friend,
Kim xo
